Don't Matter What'll Come To Be
by DeliriantQueer
Summary: Moments in the lives of of two boys in love, learning from each other, with each other; mismatched parts and all. Trans!fic, FTM!Blaine
1. Chapter 1

_**Don't Matter What'll Come To Be**_

This is my first published dabbling in the Gleekdom, first seen over at glee_angst_meme on Livejournal. I guess this is me deanoning?

Enjoy! x

* * *

><p>As Blaine smiles at him from his driveway, Kurt flexes his hands on the wheels and begins the drive home with a happy sigh, because, really, his life is kind of perfect. He has a boyfriend who had told Kurt he loved him and kissed him before he left, just like every single time they said "Later," and never "Goodbye". His boyfriend would sing along with him every time they watched The Sound of Music together (as well as stay strong during the second half of Rent while Kurt sobbed into his shoulder). His boyfriend was openly gay and held hands with Kurt at the mall, at the Lima Bean, in hallways where people could <em>see them<em>, and he was _okay with that._

And Kurt kind of loves him back. He loves Blaine's voice, and is proud to be the one holding his hand. He loves his smile and confidence, and the way he never breaks down, no matter what. He can't believe that anyone is that perfect, but Blaine just kind of _is. _The funny thing is that he doesn't even have to be. Kurt would love him no matter what, and he sometimes thinks about what problems Blaine could secretly have. Mostly, it is to no avail, but it's interesting to imagine. In the end, Kurt decides that he'll just wait for it, whatever it is, to come up.

As he ponders all of this one night while changing for bed, he thinks that maybe something has changed for him. Thing are different than they were when they had shared that perfect first kiss. There had always been something bubbling up, as the ferocity of their kiss had proven, but there was something new as well. Not even new, but just… different? More intense?

He doesn't sleep well that night, trying to come to terms with the paradigm shift occurring within himself, because _wow._ When he really thinks about it now, he starts to wonder if it wouldn't be too bad to go a little bit further. Maybe even a lot further. He's still a little insecure, that's for sure, but he believes what Blaine's saying. If Blaine really does love him, the way he's told him every night before he goes to sleep, then he might be telling the truth about all those other things, too. Like when he'd said that Kurt was perfect, when he'd said that – Kurt shudders to think of it – Kurt was actually a little bit sexy.

With this newfound surge of self-esteem, Kurt begins to think, _why not_? And thus he develops a plan.

Part one of the plan is initiated through texts the following day. Just casual little texts sent to Blaine asking when they can spend time together alone again, since he knows that Blaine has Warblers practice later and that even he needs some downtime during the summer. Surprisingly, though, Blaine offers to pick him up on his way home from practice, if he doesn't mind making it a late night. Both of his parents have conveniently left for a business trip.

Kurt believes his plan is working quite perfectly.

Part two of the plan is all in the clothing, and as he looks out onto the clothes covering his bed, he wishes that he had a bit more time. He knows about how he looks in red, and it _is_ the color of passion, but black is a bit more low-key, more subtle, and he certainly doesn't want to be throwing himself at the boy. Who knows where that could lead to, and he'd like to avoid Blaine thinking that he's some crazy hormonal teenage creep, because that could be a bit counterproductive. He's never particularly liked the aqua, to be honest, but it makes his eyes seem softer… He rolls his eyes, taking back everything orange and light pink. Rose is too innocent for the moment, and he's never even liked orange. Neither does Blaine. No orange.

By some stroke of luck, though, Finn walks by his doorway just as Kurt is close to giving up on the whole thing.

"Finn, could you come in here for a second?" He waits until he hears the doorknob turn to scramble pace over to the door. His stepbrother looks at ease, and Kurt feels immediately composed. Having a brother turned out to be pretty wonderful after all.

"What's up, Kurt?" He smiles first, then, "Wow." He looks at the clothes, understanding crashing over him at an alarming rate. "Am I the right person to be asking about this kind of stuff?"

Kurt shifted uncomfortably, but found his uncertainty endearing. "Just… what do you think? For going over to Blaine's tonight."

"Wait, tonight as in-"

"Which one, Finn?" Because Kurt really doesn't need the questions right now, especially since even he isn't sure.

"Well, I'm not you, but I guess the light blue one? It matches you, kind of…" When Kurt is silent, he asks, "Was that the wrong answer?"

Kurt sighed. "Not at all. Thanks, Finn."

"No problem." With a satisfied smile, he leaves Kurt to get ready, wondering if tonight really means _tonight_. He smiles, thinking that his brother might really be _getting_ somewhere with the Hogwarts Hobbit.

Part three is where everything could go horribly wrong. No matter how much Kurt has been deluding himself by separating the parts of his plan, this one is the actual execution. This one is scary, and real, and he's thinking that he might be an idiot for even attempting this in the first place. But Blaine deserves it, and he trusts Blaine, so maybe it might work. At least, that's what his brain supplies amidst the rambling and mental flails happening internally.

He hears the doorbell ring, followed by Finn's _much_ too cheery "I got it," and takes a moment to compose himself. He's been acting and singing since birth. He can do this. All of those nights with Sound of Music weren't for nothing.

When he opens his door, however, he can _hear _the wink as Finn asks "So, what are you doing here so late?" As he turns around, hoping to make a quick escape before the blush creeps too far up his neck, he hears a relieved "Kurt?" and knows that he's been spotted.

"Hey, Blaine!" His voice is breathy and his cheeks are bright pink, but hell, he's going to make this work. "Ready to go? I'm sorry for making it such a late night, but I was hoping to see you."

Blaine smiles like the gentleman he is and agrees. They bid his brother farewell, trying to ignore the look he gave Kurt before winking and making him blush even more, and drove up to Blaine's house.

They talk about the unforgiving sun and equally unforgiving weather in Lima and at Dalton. They talk about the Warblers' attempt to make "Our Time Now" work for their charity performance at a middle school dance that they've already agreed to do. They talk about Harry Potter and how it can't possibly be over. Kurt is finally relaxed, finally at peace, when they get into Blaine's driveway.

Goodbye, Relaxation.

They go up to Blaine's room automatically, the way they always do when they go to his house. It's not unlike Kurt's basement, if not a little less well decorated, and Kurt manages to find peace again. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. He takes a moment to accept his own logic, take a deep breath, and decides that it'll be okay no matter what.

"Hey, Kurt? How about a movie night? It's your turn to choose."

He smiles. "I know that you're trying to be nice and let me pick, but you and I both know you want to watch Half-Blood Prince."

Blaine hugs him, kisses his cheek. "How are you so perfect?" With a lingering look, he runs downstairs to get drinks for them both, and Kurt smiles. He was thinking the same thing.

Kurt smiles at his perfect gentleman of a boyfriend, now out of his uniform (he must have changed in the bathroom, Kurt notes with some disappointment) and wearing a slightly baggy black t-shirt over a ¾ sleeve. Kurt thinks that he's lucky that they're staying inside; he would melt… and look undapper.

"You don't understand. I have to do this!" Blaine holds his boyfriend closer, leaning more heavily onto his shoulder and admiring how broad they are. Most think that Kurt is simply delicate and tiny, but no, he isn't. His bone structure is amazing, even if it's only Blaine who realizes this.

The movie finishes without either of them crying (although they are clinging to each other even harder) and they sigh in relief as the trio looks over the castle grounds one last time before going home for the summer. Kurt smiles and leans a few inches closer to kiss Blaine, an open mouthed kiss that leaves them both wanting more. He knows it's a cliché, but if it works, he can't bring himself to care whether or not it is. They pull apart and their lips relock once more. Kurt curls his lips _just so_ around Blaine's bottom one, sucking it into his mouth softly, and at Blaine's shaky exhale, Kurt knows that his baby penguin status is quickly disappearing.

They haven't gone far yet, at all. Blaine continues to be the perfect gentleman, and up until now, Kurt hasn't really wanted to. Now, though, he wants it so much that he's aching. He can't get close enough to Blaine, even as his hands plunge into his boyfriend's dark curls, twisting to find an anchor. He's practically flying as he deepens the kiss, feeling their hot tongues slide against each other. It isn't a battle for dominance – they're exploring, seeing what new and exciting things they can do.

Blaine is losing it. Kurt can feel the debonair façade slipping away as Blaine pours more into the kiss. He's pushing harder, probing deeper, and Kurt can't believe how perfect it is. He isn't complaining when Blaine grips his shoulder, although he's not used to it. It isn't like he's had much experience to compare it to, and he's learning quickly that movies really don't foreshadow what life actually turns out to be like by a long shot. The shorter boy's fingers curl into his shoulder, reaching the dip of his collarbone, and they're clinging like his life depends on that one point of contact; like he _has_ to stay. Kurt notices this. He sees that Blaine is simply trying to stay relatively PG, but he knows what they both want.

When Kurt's hand curls around Blaine's stomach and works its way up Blaine's side, crawling up his ribs, the world cracks in two.

Blaine is lightning fast, and the high pitched "No!" that escapes from his throat has his voice cracking. The two boys, now three feet apart, are panting and breathless. Kurt is confused beyond all possible belief. When he looks at Blaine, he sees the image of debauchery – Blaine's lips are swollen and red. His wild curls are loose, and his pupils are blown wide with arousal. When Kurt looks harder, though, all he sees is… fear.

"Kurt, no, I'm sorry." Blaine is babbling hysterically, inching further away with every word. "I'm so sorry and I want to but I _can't. _I can't go that far, I don't – there's no way I could. Oh, god, Kurt, I'm sorry. Don't ha- I can't h- I. Oh, god."

His face is green and nauseated, but still with that wild look of fear in his eyes. Kurt wants to ask so badly. He wants to know what he did, what Blaine is talking about, why he can't finish a sentence, but Blaine is already in the bathroom before he can find the words.

This is how Kurt ends up sitting on Blaine's bed, sad and confused. He's tried to get Blaine to come out of the bathroom, but every time he knocks, he's met with silence. That alone is so unlike Blaine that Kurt is at a complete loss of what to do. All he really _can_ do in the situation is think.

He has never, in all the time he's known him, seen Blaine lose it quite like he just had. Blaine is the dapper, put-together, charismatic boy that everyone adores. He has no visible flaws, and he has such immense control over his actions that the breakdown Kurt witnessed doesn't compute. The Blaine that had chattered and fled just minutes ago wasn't composed or perfect or even sensible. He was just… what, open? Raw? Uninhibited? Kurt realizes that he really shouldn't be too judgmental at this point; not with how he's been known to hide his troubles until he cracks, breaks under the pressure of secrets.

And at that word, a light pops into his head. Secrets.

This brings him back to his earlier contemplation: what could his perfectly dapper gentleman of a boyfriend have to hide? As per usual, Kurt writes off any possibility of Blaine having any actual problems to worry about. He's perfectly fine with the situation with his parents, Kurt knows. He has accepted that they just need time. He is _fine_ with his sexuality if there is any indication in the way he parades around yelling about the last issue of out, Adam Lambert's latest video, telling interested girls that he doesn't swing that way, he is G-A-Y gay, but thanks, he's flattered. In fact, he seems empowered in announcing that. So if it isn't about what they were doing, nor is it about the fact that they were doing it in his parents' house, then it has to be about…

Kurt. He doesn't want to be that way because of Kurt.

Said boy is flooded with memories of baby penguins, Animal, strange faces, _Rachel_ for god's sake. He drunkenly made out with Finn's current girlfriend with more conviction than him.

Blaine thinks that Kurt is less sexy than _Rachel. _That pretty much does it.

It's shocking how fast the countertenor is hit with a wave of pain. He hates how easy it is to understand why Blaine feels the way he does, but not quite as much as he hates himself at the moment. He hates his stupid hair and how terrible it looks when it's ruffled. He doesn't want to use that much in his hair – he knows just how high-maintenance it makes him seem; how high maintenance he is.

Kurt despises his skin. He blushes like a girl, one of many things that he does like a girl, oh god. He's such a _girl_. He has a high voice, hair products, skirts, and his never failing moisturizing routine. The full force of his femininity is tearing away at his sanity, but he can't stop it now. Every slur and name he's ever been called breaks to the surface, and tears are running down his face before he can squeeze his eyes tight enough to keep them bottled up inside as he always does. They're flowing.

He's collapsed onto Blaine's pillow, and this somehow makes everything exponentially worse.

It's unclear how long he's laying there, silent tears falling onto his b– Blaine's pillow. (Will they even be boyfriends anymore? He knows that he can't change himself or how Blaine feels about him, and what's the point of being together like this if Blaine doesn't ever _want_ this?) He's not Kurt now, as he sobs. He's Porcelain, Princess, Ladyboy, Queen. He's everything that he never thought he would be with Blaine. On top of those, he supposes he should add Stupid to his titles. Naïve, perhaps, for thinking that there was any way he was good enough to be with this wonderful friend, mentor, role model. Kurt (Princess, Stupid) isn't sure he wants to exist, to be quite honest.

This is all proven with the click of a lock. Really, it's surprising how quickly all the sadness and regret can morph into anger, and perhaps it's a testament to how much of a diva Kurt really is. Suddenly, he is on his feet, forcing all of his presence, power, whatever he could command, into facing the figure at the door.

Kurt screams, blinded by his feelings. Between those directed towards himself and those toward Blaine, he's not sure how he manages to form coherent _words_, but if the hoarse voice he's hearing through it all is his, then he's managing just fine.

"Blaine Anderson, I have thrown myself into some stupid situations based on lies that people have told me, people I've trusted like the idiot that I am, and I have regretted every one of them, but I'll admit that I have not been this convinced by someone for a long, long time. Yes, you're perfect, and no, I never thought I'd be able to compare to your eternal greatness in the least, but that doesn't give you the excuse to lead me on for this long, make me this attached to you, only to crush any hope that I had in the moment because 'there's no way you could.' I mean, really, in all the ways you could have worded it, and with the super smooth way you always manage to talk, I don't think that was the best wording! So thank you for the wonderful time, but I think I'd like to go home now if you wouldn't mind, you stupid, evil, lying prick!"

Kurt is breathing heavily, actually feeling quite proud of himself for that. Well, he is until he realizes that Blaine's been crying the whole time.

"Kurt." Shit, his voice is raw and miserable and Kurt is melting into Blaine's hazel eyes. And he thought his heart was broken a moment ago. That couldn't compare to now.

Blaine breathes in shakily, such a contrast from their position earlier in the same noise, from the same lips. "Kurt, I never wanted to lie to you."

"Yeah, well I don't see how this is hurting you." And at Blaine's look of disbelief, he adds, "Your unsexy Princess of a boyfriend finally gets it."

Blaine's features barely shift. There's a tiny twitch of his sharp brow, but the guarded sadness still stands strong on his face, keeping Kurt completely unaware of how the next words out of his mouth will change their situation entirely. "If anyone here is a Princess, it's me. You're beautiful."

Glasz eyes widen, and the taller boy freezes on the spot. The first thought in his mind is '_I'm what?'_but what makes its way through his lips is "I don't understand." That's just as well, though. He's quite sure that he's never been this confused in his life.

There's a deep breath and uncomfortable shifting, but no words exchanged. The shorter of the two gestures awkwardly to the bed, and they both sit, shoulder to shoulder and breathing softly. Kurt is about to speak when Blaine finally starts.

"Kurt. I hate lying. I have always hated lying, and it's one of the reasons that I'm so open about things – most things, at least. I just couldn't be with you about this."

Kurt finds his voice to say "Can you please just tell me the truth? I'm not even sure that I know what you're lying about at this point."

Blaine sighs again with his eyes closed, trying to organize his thoughts to the best of his ability when he really, really doesn't seem like he can. "Before I tell you this, I need to tell you that I love you. And no matter how disgusting you find me after I tell you, you are absolutely perfect. You're not unsexy, god, you're _far_ from that. I almost lost it when you… did that." Blaine stops, wanting to quit while he can, but Kurt simply gazes expectantly. He prides himself on his ability to be a good listener when he needs to be, and stubborn as all get out. He certainly won't give away how shocked and flattered he is by what Blaine said – he's too curious as to what could possibly make Blaine disgusting. It_ has_ to be important. He sees the look in Blaine's eyes.

"_You move me." _

"_These three guys… um… beat the living crap out of us."_

That look means something.

When it becomes clear that Kurt will not break no matter how much Blaine pleads with his eyes, the latter concedes defeat and continues.

"It's because I care that I had to lie about it, I guess. It's just that… I'm not—I'm not normal, Kurt. I can't do the things you want to do right now. I can't yet, at least. But I really want to, don't get me wrong, I almost did. It's just that I'm not like you think I am." Kurt looks more confused than ever, thinking about nonexistent purity rings and curses put on Blaine as a child and tons of other things that don't actually add up. Blaine tries again.

"WhenIwasyoungerIwasn'tme."

Kurt can feel the look on his face and it's atrocious, he knows, but he doesn't think that Blaine could blame him if he wanted to. Still, he tries. He can feel how awkward this is for Blaine, even if he still has no idea why.

"When you were younger, you weren't you." It's a statement. He doesn't even bother with a question, and Blaine's hopelessly shoving his face into his hands, trying to disappear. Kurt intertwines their fingers and pulls their joined hands away from Blaine's blushing cheeks. He takes charge and repositions them so that they're both sitting cross-legged across from each other on Blaine's plush mattress, their hands linked in between them.

Their eyes aren't meeting – Blaine is quite obviously making sure of that, looking around at his familiar room, trying to find something worth looking at. He ultimately settles on the floor, looking the picture of discomfort, and Kurt really just needs to know.

"I was Erica." The tears start again, and Kurt is next to him, cradling him to his chest so fast that it's ridiculous, but Blaine needs it. Kurt knows this, and Kurt needs it as well. He needs to let him know that they're okay, they will always be okay. If Kurt is right, and he's so, _so_ sure that he is, then Blaine needs him right now. He needs Kurt more that Kurt had even imagined.

They rock together for what feels like hours, Blaine sobbing against Kurt's naturally flat chest, envying him of it every second but clinging to him all the same. Kurt's crying now, too, wondering what signs he missed _("Blaine Warbler, when will you see that undershirts aren't necessary under everything?")_ and what he had said to him _("…Princess of a boyfriend…")_ that had gotten them to this moment where they could simply exist together; where they could just _be_. He realizes the way his hand was climbing up Blaine's side when they kissed, and it finally all makes sense.

When the tears stop staining the cotton sheets, Kurt decides to ask, just to be sure. "Blaine, honey. You're… you're trans?" He squeezes Blaine's smaller hand in reassurance. _We're okay._

Blaine sits up slowly, eyes closed again, squeezing against the tears like Kurt's forgot to earlier. They open and break Kurt's heart again, but he nods. "Yeah," he says, voice scratchy and thick. "I understand if you just want to go back to the way it was. You're gay. I respect that." But Kurt saw these words coming before Blaine decided to say them. He's been ready since that name, Blaine's shadowed past, hit the tense air of his room.

"Yes, Blaine. I'm gay. Being the gay male that I am, I suppose it gives me a perfect excuse for not letting the beautiful boy I'm holding slip through my fingers due to a few mismatched pieces no matter what he implies about being just friends. I don't think I could handle that."

He's being cut short by the boy who looks pained. "Kurt, no, I don't think you understand. I'm still—I still have everything." The everything is a broken whisper, like he's ashamed. Kurt clutches his hand tighter. "I haven't had surgery yet, I can't do _that_ yet—The only reason you didn't figure out before is that I've been taking hormones for a while, now, an-"

A kiss cuts off the rest of his protest, and his lips are happy to accept Kurt's, no matter the circumstances. When they pull away, Kurt rests his forehead on Blaine's. "I love you," he whispers into the small space between them. "And I don't think anything can change that at this point. I'm a little bit too far gone for that."

Blaine's smile lights up the room, catching on the tearstained sheets and gnawing through the residual sadness. There's no room for tears or lies or even secrets. The love in the room was a bit too strong for that, anyway.

Kurt's no expert on transgenderism, but he quickly remedies that. This is ensured by late night research sessions in Dalton's library, and when Blaine catches him on a page with gruesome details about mastectomy on a Wednesday night when Kurt should be studying for a History test, he can honestly say that he's never felt more loved. They talk about testosterone and its effects on the biologically female body, and they allow themselves to giggle sometimes when Blaine's voice cracks, even making odd puberty jokes that no one else understands at Warblers rehearsals when Kurt is allowed to visit Thad and Wes and all the others who he became so close to in his time at Dalton.

Every once in a while, they talk about the long lost Erica, Blaine sometimes spitting the name out and other times saying it airily, as if she was simply a bad dream. Kurt finally understands the full magnitude of Blaine's parents' acceptance and why it's taking them so long. When Blaine's crying on the phone about it, he can't say that he likes their feelings about it (he sometimes wants to bludgeon people, but where would that get them?), but they are there for him all the same. Blaine realizes how lucky he is to have progressed even this far through his transition, and he is grateful for it; for them.

Sometimes, Kurt spends the night in Blaine's room even though he knows he's not supposed to. It's awkward at first, Blaine not wanting to push him away, but not wanting to put himself that far out there either. They sleep in separate beds the first few times, actually, simply lounging together and enjoying each other's company when Blaine wakes Kurt up (bound, packed, put together) as he goes about his morning routine. Eventually, they actually sleep in the same bed, though. Blaine isn't wearing his binder as he sleeps (he can't actually breathe with it on, Kurt learns, and is amazed by his boyfriend's singing even more than usual), and he can't find air the first time Kurt sees, but Kurt is surprisingly okay with it all. He doesn't find the normally hidden parts of Blaine any less perfect than the rest of him. They lie facing the same direction, Blaine nestled into Kurt and Kurt's arms around Blaine, new places, missing places and all, and they sleep more soundly than ever before.

It's a work in progress, of course, as any relationship is, but they find ways. Kurt learns that he had been right. Blaine's "imperfections" don't matter one bit. They're not imperfect at all, really. He guesses that Blaine's dapper self is just gifted with that.

_And nothing's ever gonna bring us down_

'_Cause nothing can keep me from loving you_

_And you know it's true_

_It don't matter what'll come to be_

_Our love is all we need_

_To make it through_

* * *

><p>Reviews would be nice =) I'm just another starving artist.<p> 


	2. Ridiculous AN of Ridiculousness

**This is just a great big illegal author's note. Understood.**

* * *

><p>Hi, there. This is just to notify any of you guys who are interested that, instead of this being a one time thing, I've fallen quite a bit in love with this 'verse. This story is going to turn into a collection of oneshots, moments I can't fit into the other bits of this that I want to write, and notes for the other parts.<p>

The other parts being the prequel and sequel that I can't get out of my head no matter how hard I try.

So, there is a Blaine-centric prequel in the works that I'm going to continue working on right after this is posted, a sequel being planned out in the moments that I can't sleep, and these oneshots that need to be written for the sake of my sanity.

Which brings me to this! If there's a moment or situation that you want, don't be afraid to PM me. Trans!Blaine has infiltrated my mind, so I have absolutely no problem with suggestions. PM me or review, and enjoy what I can make happen.

Keep smiling,

DeliriantQueer x


	3. Barriers

_**Don't Matter What'll Come to Be: Chapter Two - Barriers**_

This was a moment I wrote a short mention about in the first chapter, really, and I couldn't get it out of my head, so here you have it!

Enjoy! x

* * *

><p>Blaine thinks that things are getting better with him and Kurt. That's saying something, of course, since they're rarely not good, never bad, but they've been steadily improving. He'd thought that when Kurt found out, everything would be over; that his parts that didn't fit would scare away the only boy who'd ever dated <em>him.<em> The only boy he'd been able to hold doors for or pay for meals with. It was nice. He didn't want that to end.

He'd thought that Kurt would scream and call him a freak, say that he never wanted to speak with Blaine again. He thought at least that Kurt would say they'd be better off as friends. He was really expecting that; Kurt's diplomatic tongue would make it sound like a Shakespearean confession of love, but it would have hurt just the same. Yet, here he stands, five weeks later, Kurt pressing him against the wall of his dorm, kissing him in that way that only Kurt can – not too hard, not too soft, tugging Blaine's bottom lip into his mouth.

Kurt's hands are on his ribcage, one resting on the Velcro, the other on the compressing fabric of his binder, and Blaine's hands are cupping Kurt's face, brushing against the slight stubble. Everything is just so _much_, and Blaine has never been this content to just be close to someone in his life.

He wants to touch Kurt, to cup him through his designer jeans and hear what sounds he makes. To make him flush and buck up and lose control, but he can't. Because Kurt can't do the same for him, and because he wouldn't be able to go without resenting the bulge, the hardness, the small wet patch that was possible for Kurt and not him.

They've talked about it, of course. The past three weeks have been Q&A, endless discussions of future plans, legislation, hormones and feelings. Kurt has a thirst for knowledge about what he's going through that flatters Blaine to no end, and he never runs out of things to talk about. It was inevitable that they'd breach the subject of Blaine's dysphoria – and his jealousy.

Jealousy of everything Kurt was, really. His broad shoulders and the Adam's apple that Blaine liked to run his hands over, the flat expanse of his chest and tiny peaked nipples, his ability to wear women's clothing without having the figure of a woman. There was a lot to be jealous of. It was all better, though, when Kurt responded; he knew what to do by that point. He'd point out his curly hair and bright eyes, his voice, his arms, his guitar playing, how good he looked in ties.

Blaine felt pretty damn special after all that.

Yet as they kiss, he needs to stop. He can feel himself getting there slowly, the pressure building up in his chest and his eyes about to sting with unshed tears. His ears are ringing a bit, and the panic is rising.

"Kurt." It's strained, both hands on his perfect chest, pushing lightly.

"Okay," the countertenor whispers. He holds Blaine close, burying his face into the muscles of Blaine's shoulder.

It's moments like these where Blaine counts his blessings and thanks whoever is out there for giving him Kurt, and he melts into the taller boy, feeling the tension slowly drain from his muscles. There's sweet humming in his ear, as always, and it's so wonderfully familiar. He's not sure what the song is – he never asks, but he thinks it's something that Kurt's mom used to hum to him when he was upset. Kurt tends to keep those memories close. Blaine figures that Kurt will tell him in time when he's ready.

He's not sure how long they stand like that, rocking together to the beat of the unknown song. Kurt's fingers press and massage at Blaine's shoulder blades and trace small shapes and words into his skin, there. It's nice, Blaine thinks, that Kurt knows. No matter how terrified he'd initially been, he can't shake the feeling that everything can honestly only get better.

Eventually, they stop, and Kurt presses a kiss to his temple before pulling back and looking into Blaine's soft brown eyes. Blaine can tell that there's a question there, can see it in the slight furrow of Kurt's brow and the way that his eyes are gently searching, so he leads them over to his bed. They sit facing each other, holding hands in Kurt's lap in the comfortable silence as Kurt forms his words.

"Okay, so, this is going to sound ridiculously odd, and please don't be offended."

Blaine smiles softly up at him. "Okay."

"And, really, if I'm pushing any boundaries, I understand completely. I just can't get this out of my mind. No, that makes it sound pervy and gross and I don't mean it like that at all…" He trails off, looking everywhere but at Blaine and biting his lip and Blaine thinks he might just be the most adorable thing on the face of the planet.

Blaine does his best to look reassuring, and Kurt relents. "I wanted to know if we could actually be together tonight. Like, in one bed, this time. I know that you think I'll be freaked out or whatever, but I swear to you I won't. I just really want to be able to do this with you and show you that; to show you that it doesn't matter to me. Or that it does, I mean- you know what I mean."

Blaine is terrified, and he's sure he looks dubious at best, because Kurt managed to hit everything he worries about in just a few sentences. He _wants_ so badly. He wants to wake up next to Kurt and kiss him without moving. He wants to spend a night entangled in his boyfriend's arms. He wants to be able to do all of these things with Kurt, be surrounded by his warmth and let him prove that everything will be okay, but what if it's not? What if it all sounds wonderful in theory but Kurt runs off before he even has a chance to get his binder back on? He has to know.

He hears his voice like it's far away, and he knows how he sounds. It's shaky and feminine and so, so scared. "Kurt, are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, you know I can't wear everything to sleep." His voice cracks on "sleep," and for a moment, Blaine weighs the option of crawling in a hole to die, but Kurt nods all too quickly, the motion shaking the bed with its vigor. Blaine can't help but grin for a split second at the miniscule innuendo.

"Stop smirking, you dirty boy," Kurt giggles, and this is how perfect they are for each other. His face grows serious again, though, and Blaine's follows suit. "I understand that, and I've thought about it a lot. You need to know that that doesn't change things for me, though. You're still you. You'll always be Blaine, the gorgeous boy I fell in love with on the steps that day." Blaine moves to interrupt, but Kurt keeps going. "I don't just want you, Blaine. Believe it or not, after all this time, I'm not just in it for the sex."

Blaine smiles at him again, trying to find a sign of uncertainty under Kurt's mischievous expression, but finding none, and the fear in the pit of his stomach rises up and grows. If Kurt's countenance is any sort of indicator, it's starting to show. He knows that he should trust Kurt; that he does trust him, with anything and everything, but the what-ifs in his mind are too much. Honesty, though, and courage find their way to the forefront of his mind.

"I'm scared."

It comes out in a rush, but Kurt nods again, slowly. They lie down on their backs, next to each other, fingers never coming untangled. They've gotten used to these talks, since Kurt found out. They've been really talking more and more often, and it all feels so right that neither can find any reason to stop.

Before Kurt can ask him to, he elaborates. He doesn't want to seem standoffish, for one, and the other thing is that he wants this to work. He wants them to talk this out so he can have that in the morning. Sure, waking up and seeing that angelic face sleeping in the same room as him has changed him – forever, he thinks. He can't imagine ever waking up without him again – but something about the closeness, the true intimacy is so striking. He can't let this go without trying.

"I don't want to lose it with you and mess any of this up, and I don't want you to see and leave. I just… I don't want you to leave. That's what's scaring me the most."

Kurt rolls onto his side and tugs at Blaine's hands until he does the same and they're facing each other. "Hey, Blaine?" Kurt waits until he gets a sign of acknowledgment from the curly-haired boy. "I love you."

Blaine rolls his eyes, and Kurt's fierceness is a force to be reckoned with at this point.

"And I don't mean the stupid love that kids think they're in constantly or the love that people have because they know they need support from family; I mean the kind that makes me wonder how I lived without knowing you for nearly seventeen years of my life. I don't even know what I lived for before I knew how it felt to have you with me. The only purpose I could have had was to wait for you, because I know now that no one will complete me the way you do. And honestly, Blaine Warbler, I can't imagine you any other way than the way you are right now."

Blaine slowly reaches out to palm Kurt's cheek, fingers stroking at his hairline. He looks up reverently and leans in to kiss him. It isn't chaste, but it's not altogether sexual; they're softly brushing lips and tongues, barely moving except to lock and relock, faint noises and soft breathing the only sound in the room. Blaine breathes a light puff of air that he didn't know he'd been holding into Kurt's mouth, and they open their eyes at the same time.

"You won't leave?" His voice sounds wrecked, again. This is why he hates crying. But Kurt simply kisses him one more time and squeezes his hand, kissing it softly, and that's all it takes for Blaine to go get changed.

xXx

Blaine emerges with his arms tightly folded over his chest even though he knew it didn't change anything. They were still there, and he could still do nothing to change it. He's about two seconds away from aborting the mission, going back through the door and putting his binder back on, when he hears Kurt's small gasp from across the room where his bed is.

Blaine suddenly feels just so _wrong_, sees why this was a horrible idea and wonders why he went through with it, and there's a rush of such acute fear that he can only apologize, for what he doesn't know.

"Kurt, no, I'm sorry. Just let me go back in and put it back on, I'm just stupid and please don't leave. I'll put it on and it'll be normal. Or, like, close to normal. It's never normal, though, oh my god, I'm not normal. I'm sorry Kurt, just let me try, okay, please just let me try."

He hadn't realized that he was crying until he stopped talking, didn't know that that had all come out in one breath. A soft noise comes from across the room, and Blaine squeezes his eyes shut. He knows he's disgusting. Kurt's so wonderful, so perfect, so _masculine_, and he doesn't want him to have to deal with... with _this_.

He's really not sure how long he's standing there, arms folded tightly across his chest, compressing all of his mistakes. His head is down, and he's backed up against the wall. He's not even sure why; does he think Kurt's going to hit him? Does he just want to give Kurt a clear path for when he leaves? He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything.

But he's not there for long before he feels it. There are familiar hands on him. They start on his shoulders, move down his arms, across to where they're folded against his chest and Blaine cringes, pressing harder into the wall. The tears are still etching marks onto his face and he knows, he just _knows_ that he must look like such a _girl_. The hands are suddenly around his, though, and Kurt's nimble fingers intertwine with his own, just like they always did...

With hopeful eyes, he looks up into Kurt's for the first time since he came out. Kurt's crying too, he sees now. The noise he heard must have been a sob - but why? Kurt's placing Blaine's hands up around his own neck, now, and their foreheads are pressed together. Through the tears in his own eyes, through the tears in Kurt's, Blaine sees now. He doesn't see the disgust he feared. He doesn't see the turmoil he expected. Really, he sees what he's always seen before: an odd mixture of love and adoration he never expected to find in anyone's eyes. Not for him.

Kurt smiles on a deep exhale, another small sob moving from somewhere deep in his throat.

"You're beautiful."

Blaine scoffs, pulls his head away and tries to shrink back into himself. HE doesn't need Kurt's pity or his patronizing words. But as he does, it's like the taller boy's reading his mind.

"No, Blaine. You are. I don't care what you think or what you expected, you are. Now we're going to cuddle and fall asleep like we said, okay?"

Blaine nods, stunned. It's not real - none of it is real. It can't be.

"I love you. Okay, mister?"

Blaine lets Kurt lead his to his bed, still floating, still dreaming. He allows himself a smile, though, when Kurt turns around and smiles back at him. They lie down face to face at first, both of them seeming completely entranced by the novelty of the situation. Kurt looks like he can't stop grinning, and Blaine play-punches him, just a little insecure.

"What," he asks. His voice is quieter than he remembers it being; quieter than the yells, more like the whispered "I love you"s that he's come to love so much.

Kurt takes a deep breath, gathers his thoughts before speaking. "It's just like... like we're supposed to be this way. I know you're worried that I'm going to go, but... I've never felt more like staying. Does that even... does that even make sense, or am I just babbling here?"

Blaine huffs out a laugh, bright smile and bright eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, it does."

Kurt holds his hands once again, bringing them to rest between their heads, resting just below the pillow. "Can I kiss you," he asks, tentatively. It's hesitant - more hesitant than their first kiss, more hesitant than anything they've ever done. Blaine wants to sob again just because Kurt's so considerate; how did he get this lucky?

When Blaine presses their lips together, it's everything. They're closer, they're together without fail. He can breathe for once without the constricting fabric of his binder, and he can feel Kurt against his skin there, through just the thin, thin t-shirt. It's so much more intimate than it ever has been before.

There are no teeth, there's barely any tongue, no roaming hands or biting nails - just BlaineandKurt, KurtandBlaine without barriers. The lights are out in a matter of minutes, whispered goodnights and kisses pressed to cheeks, and Blaine gets the best night's sleep he's had in years.

xXx

There's warm light coming through Blaine's window when he wakes up. He's warm, surrounded by covers and in his flannel pajama bottoms, the baggy t-shirt making him want to stay in bed forever. He moves to stretch, stretch his back, stretch his arms and revel in the sheer freedom of the moment, and - oh. That's new.

Soft lips press into the nape of his neck. It tickles, but it's warm - as warm as the arms wrapped around his chest and abdomen. They're over... over those _things_, he notices. They're Kurt's arms, and they're right there where they were never supposed to be, but they're not moving. If anything, they squeeze tighter when Blaine moves back, pressing into the warmth of Kurt's mouth.

With low hum sounding from deep in his throat, he shifts enough to let himself turn, Kurt's hands moving to his unkempt curls, and smiles up at his boyfriend drowsily.

"Mm, hi there. You're still here." And Blaine knows he has morning breath and looks utterly ridiculous, unbound and in complete disarray, but he's kissing his boyfriend in the morning, and that's all that seems to matter.

Kurt pulls away for a moment. "Yes, I am, and you're insane if you think I'm moving." Blaine laughs. It's slow and sleepy and he wouldn't have it any other way. He should've known they'd be sleeping in, he thinks.

As he burrows closer into Kurt's chest and lets himself be engulfed in his arms, it's really not such a bad thing, he thinks. He's asleep again in less than a minute, but not before he sees Kurt's smile. It's in his dreams, and in those dreams? They're really pretty happy. No barriers.

* * *

><p>Hope you liked!<p>

Concrit is forever worshiped and any feedback at all is my drug. 3


End file.
